Grief

Hey there, stranger. 

Long-time no see. 

I've been away daydreaming, trying to keep going with life and what the future brings me. Life's ok, I consider myself happy in The Netherlands and, although I miss sometimes my friends, I've met nice people here too and little by little my social life is getting back together. 

But of course, there's the Grief. The Grief that is always with me. You see, they said that grieving is a process that we must overcome, but I don't believe it's like that. Grief is something that stays with you during all your life and waits for you to be alone and a little bit sad to attack. Just a song, just a memory, just a smell or the sound of the sea. And there it is, biting your ankles to make you fall. 

Nothing bad happens if you fall, really. I've been there, and I've woke up again. And believe me, I'm not stronger than you or more determined, no. I simply woke up again because I understood some time ago that Grief stays with us forever, and we just need to live with it and make that pain part of ourselves. That way, it hurts every day a little less, except when it wants you to feel it (those days in which it bites your ankles, yes). I promise you that, if you just accept it, it would be ok. Believe me. 

This skirt smells like Grief. I bought it from Jimina while I was in Algeciras during those painful months, and is the one I wore for my mum's funeral. Her funeral, my trial (like Nick Cave says). That day I was about to wear something much simple, but at the last moment I decided that no, this was me, this was who my mom loved (and still loves, I know) and that was it, no matter whoever said about it. So I wore it, and I gave my goodbye speech, and I was proud of my mum and I was proud of myself that day. 

Every time I wear this skirt I remember that moment in which I was brave enough to be me, despite the painful situation. So I feel really proud of myself, no matter the bittersweet memory. It's just part of the process of keep growing up with Grief.