Sunday, May 18, 2014

But I can only love the darkness inside you.


Today I watched the film "The Broken Circle Breakdown". And it made me think a lot about love, about life; about what we do and what we deserve.

I won't lie to you: the film is amazing, one of the best I've ever seen, as it's so real; but it broke my heart. And, as the film goes by, I was thinking "God, I don't want to love anyone again". 'Cause, as it is said on the film, "Things can't be good, when everything's allright, something brokes down and it's the end". 

After watching the film, I realized about a very important point in my life: for the first time, I'm scared of love. And it's like I don't want to love anymore, 'cause at the end, I will fail that person; or he will fail me. There would be always someone better than me to love, and so they'll let me down and go with that person. There always will be something bad around the corner, waiting for us.


I'm too scared of love. But at the same time, I believe that I deserve it. I deserve someone who would love me and take care of me. I'm a strong and independent woman; I don't look for someone who'll fight my monsters and demons, 'cause that's my fight and I'm not gonna lose it. But as almost everyone else, I need to feel that someone cares for me. That I'm important for someone, more than family, more than friendship.

Now that more than 3 months has passed away since Adolf broke my heart, I can say it really loud. I'm scared. Not of being alone, I'm more than used to it; I'm scared of being hurt again. I'm scared of hurting someone else. And I wish I could live alone into the wild mountains, so I won't hurt anyone and nobody would hurt me again.

Some of my friends say that "what you need is to fuck someone". But I can't agree to them. I'm not a person of one-night only. I cannot go home (or whatever place) with a completely stranger. And I'm not searching for that kind of people, that kind of relations. I agree that, for some people whose hearts have been broken, this works. But not for me.


So here I stand alone again, on my road, with my little red shoes, walking around wherever it takes me. And I know I'm brave for walking alone, as I always been doing. But at the same time, I feel like I have a rabbit heart that wants to run off whatever it comes. It's good to know that I feel that, admit it.

It's like the darkness that's inside me wants to take my heart with it. And I really should let it do it. Because I can only love the darkness inside me. I can only love the darkness inside you, as you always would let me down.

Next time someone comes into my life, I'll say that. And just a few more words. "Prove it". 'Cause I don't believe in love anymore, I'm to scared for it. And maybe I need someone who can prove me that it can be true, just for one time. 

Prove it.

2 comments :

  1. No creo que debas cerrarte al amor por culpa de las malas experiencias. Éso es rendirse, y tú no eres de las que se rinden. Lo que pasa es que ahora mismo todo sigue siendo muy reciente y no estás preparada para conocer a alguien nuevo, es un proceso que lleva su tiempo.

    Tanto en el amor como en cualquier otro aspecto de la vida, siempre habrá algo que empañará nuestra felicidad y no por ello debemos dejar de experimentarlo todo. Porque puede que evitemos algo de dolor, pero sin duda también nos perderemos lo mejor.

    La verdad es que creo que es mejor vivir una montaña rusa de emociones en la vida que no dejar pasar los años como si estuviéramos en una balsa de aceite. Y es algo que cada vez tengo más claro cuantos más guiris conozco.

    Llegará un día en el que recordarás esta época como algo muy lejano, y lo de Adolf ni te dolerá. Es más, posiblemente lo recuerdes con nostalgia y te quedes con lo bueno y no con lo malo.

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  2. completamente de acuerdo con lo que dices y completamente identificada con tu estado actual.
    A mi eso de que los demás digan que hay que buscarse alguien que te quite los males durante una noche (o las que sean) no me convence, igual que a ti, por lo mismo. Es como si no quisiera volver a lastimarme por una mala decisión ni a que me lastimen, porque o es algo que merezcamos.
    La soledad no es mala, es como nosotras queremos que sea. Yo también estoy cansada. Llevo un año y pico cansada y con miedo. Porque los golpes continuos en el corazón acaban haciendo sangre y la sensación de vacío y ese trocito de corazón que te arrancan sin saber porqué, duele.
    Así que yo te digo lo que suelo decirte siempre que leo un post de este tipo en tu blog. Ánimo. Guarda el luto que necesites, abraza la oscuridad y deja a tu corazón que elija como quiere estar. Ambos sois sabios y él sabe qué necesita para curarse. Porque se curará. Estas cosas tardan en las personas tan sensibles como tú. Tiempo es lo que necesitas. Mucho más. Para experimentar las sensaciones a tu alrededor en esta etapa y buscarle el lado positivo a todo. Hay que aprender para no errar.

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